zip it.
I’ve been a pretty judgmental person all my life. though I don’t always express it, I really care about what people think about me. more dangerously, I care about what I assume they might say about me.
insecurities and cover-ups. yes, they were all derived from this unhealthy character trait.
but now I’ve learned to shut up.
See I wrote a blog entry on my old blogspot about how confused I was on girls who decided to get married in their early 20′s. I blabbered on and on about having big dreams, career, and about traveling around the world in my twenties. honestly, I thought those girls were dull.
well guess what, I ended up doing the exact same thing I was commenting them on.
no one expected me to tie the knot this soon. I was always known as this wild child. the other Manusama, who refused to live by the rules, who wanted to be free.
and they were right. getting married in early twenties was never in my agenda. I did not dream to wake up next to a guy whom I should submit to for the rest of my life at the age of 23.
I wanted to be like her.
yes, vogue covers. tv career. cool rockstar boyfriend. mulberry bags named after me. part time dj. “what a perfect mid twenties life!”, I said to myself, everytime I gazed on her pictures.
Back then, I, and therefore people around me, couldn’t see myself as a care-taker. dude, I dropped my smartphones all the time. I left my belongings in a public toilet. and I left a two-week-old lunch leftovers in my office drawers. *eew, they stink!*
we (I and people around me) just couldn’t picture myself raising a family, counting the mistakes I’ve made in the past.
I remember watching last year’s Royal Wedding coverage on TV at work thinking “wow, when will that day come to me?”
Since I was little, I’ve always prayed that God would protect the extraordinary man who would marry me on that someday, without knowing who he might be. all I knew was that he was somewhere out there, experiencing life, getting to know my Maker, as I grow on the other side of the world.
well. to say the least, I have been blessed to have known him all along.
Now, don’t think I haven’t thought of the worst possibilities. don’t say I’m walking blindly in love. because I’m not. he wasn’t even my type. I soberly decided this. and I’m moving forward.
lately, I got a bit provoked by people’s comments, ended up assuming things *again, judgmental* and started to put up a defense plan.
but the more I think about it, the more I realize.
I’m at this point because of grace and grace alone. I don’t think I owe anybody any explanation.
I’m trusting God. giving Him praise and most importantly, the control.
and as for you sir. I can see you fulfilling your destiny. and I see myself in it. vice versa.
P.S : lesson learned, never say never 
